Ever wonder why some people can get close to a partner without hesitation, while others seem to cling or maintain some distance from their partner all the time? It is not about luck or even personality. It often has to do with your attachment style in relationships.

Romantic dating begins much earlier than on the date. How you treat your partner when you’re an adult can be very tied up in how you behaved when you were a kid. Some of the influences are the feelings of love, care, and security. That doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the world for your dating prospects.

Knowing yourself can be one of the most important keys to identifying problematic attachment patterns and forming healthier, happier relationships. 

Let’s delve into the different love attachment styles, their expressions in dating relationships, and what they might mean for one’s relationships.

What is a Relationship Attachment Style?

Relationship attachment style refers to the ways one relates to people, usually one’s boyfriend or girlfriend. It affects your communication, conflict resolution, expression of love, and ways of relating in intimacy.

There are four basic psychological attachment styles to love that are prevalent. Your sense of style may lean towards one style or a mix of several. It is important to remember that the term ‘attachment pattern’ is not a label but is used to help you understand or know yourself.

The Four Romantic Attachment Styles

A secure attachment style typically involves a sense of comfort with closeness and independence. They are trusting of their partners, openly express their emotions, and do not feel threatened by issues.

They tend to do the following in dating:

•       Confront and share their emotions.
•       Respect personal boundaries.
•       Handle disagreements calmly.
•       Develop trusting relationships instead of fearful ones.

Secure attachment doesn’t mean that relationships are smooth and easy-going. It increases the likelihood that both parties can solve problems together.

Anxious Attachment

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering if someone was still interested after a slight delay in response, you may share an anxious attachment.

Anxious attachment individuals seek reassurance and might have concerns of rejection or abandonment. They may be so preoccupied with the relationship, even when it is doing well.

Common signs include:

• Excessive thought in texts or conversations.
• Seeking frequent reassurance.
• Inability to tolerate need for space from partner.
• Placing others’ needs before oneself.

The world’s not ready for you yet. This is not the end of the world either. If you’re thinking, “This sounds like me,” you’re not alone. A lot of people who pop on the search engine looking for my attachment type realize that I am anxious.

Avoidant Attachment

Some individuals prefer not to connect emotionally with others, so they find it uncomfortable to be close to them; typically, when the person is avoidant in attachment.

These are some examples of the things they might do while dating:

•         If it’s getting serious, their partners get the boot!
•         Have difficulty expressing feelings.
•         Like to work independently to solve problems.
•         Are uncomfortable with being too close.

That doesn’t mean they don’t want to date you; it just means they are busy dating someone else. In many instances, it can be a defense mechanism to avoid feelings of distress or uncertainty.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Fearful-avoidant attachment is a blend of anxiety and avoidance attachment styles.

This attachment type could be extremely craving affection but might also feel insecure. They may go to one partner one day, then back away the next, and the next, and the next – and so forth, developing weird relationship patterns.

Dating is a push-pull relationship and can be emotionally draining for either partner.

How your Attachment Style will Shape your Dating Experience

Your attachment style influences many things about your usual dating situations.

Securely attached people can talk candidly with their romantic partners and believe their partners are acting on their behalf. An anxious style may perceive rejection if they don’t receive a response; avoidant of rejection may feel overwhelmed in expressing too much.

From texting and arguments to commitment, these patterns affect all aspects.

Fortunately, if you’re aware of the behaviors, you can react more purposefully, so it can’t catch you off guard.

How to Be Less Clingy in a Relationship

If you’re someone who knows of your anxious attachment type, you might be trying to “catch up” to feel secure in your relationship. What is meant is that you don’t enjoy the prospect of your partner, but you are comfortable and do not fear relying upon your own resources rather than your partner’s or others.

Here are some tips to help:

•         Continue to maintain friendships, needs, or hobbies outside of the relationship.
•         Don’t assume what your partner needs; communicate and show what you feel.
•         Establish self-confidence in the achievement of success and progress.
•         Seek a therapist if you feel anxious in your relationship.

When these tendencies become habits, they can lead to healthier relationship patterns as well as greater self-confidence in one’s emotions.

Finding Your Healthiest Way to Love

It’s not a matter of fitting yourself into a box when you learn about love attachment styles. It’s a matter of being aware of what things make you feel bad and what is healthier to do in that situation.

If you feel secure, if you feel anxious, if you feel avoidant, if you feel any combination of these, awareness provides you with an opportunity to grow. Healthy relationships are not formed with a perfect person—but with two people who are willing to learn about themselves, learn from each other, and communicate with each other.

The first step toward building stronger, more fulfilling relationships is to ask yourself, “What’s my attachment style?”