Pointing out your own flaws or toxic behaviour is much more difficult than pointing out others’. When someone in your circle is controlling, poor at communicating, and thinks that they are always right, it is easy to point it out. But when those very traits are yours, chances are that you won’t mention them or admit them.

Very few people wake up with the intention to hurt their loved ones through such toxicity. However, many of our habits undermine trust, respect, and emotional safety. Sometimes those habits are a result of previous experience. They may be things we’ve learned from our childhood relationships! But sometimes we haven’t just asked ourselves, “What do we mean?

It’s not about beating yourself up or calling yourself a bad person to accept that you are exhibiting toxic behaviour. It’s a matter of recognizing the patterns that could potentially be blocking your relationships. The positive is that once you can see those patterns, you can begin to change them.

What Does Toxic Behaviour Really Mean?

Toxic behaviour is usually thought to be when someone is manipulative, abusive or always making trouble. While those are certainly examples, the meaning of toxic behaviour is much broader than that.

Toxic behaviour is defined as behaviour, attitudes or communication that continually harms the emotional situation in a relationship and leads to an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t always mean shouting matches or manipulation. At times it appears quite silent.

It may be that your pride is getting in the way, and you aren’t apologizing. Perhaps it is mocking you, undermining your partner’s confidence. Or perhaps you end up closing down when you disagree, and the other person is wondering what you did.

Everyone does make a mistake occasionally. The difference lies in whether those behaviours become habits or one-off errors.

Why It’s So Difficult to Spot Your Own Toxic Patterns

Ever find myself wishing, “I was only reacting that way because I was provoked”?

This is a normal symptom. It’s easier to see what we want to do than what we are doing. We know the reason for our temper tantrum or the silent treatment we gave, so it’s justifiable at the time. The other person, on the other hand, only feels what behaviour is.

For this reason, toxic patterns are difficult to spot. They tend to become our “normal” way of reacting.

Perhaps growing up you learned to show concern through criticism. Maybe it was a bit of envy for love, or maybe who could shout the loudest got the better of them. Once these behaviours become commonplace, they don’t necessarily look unhealthy.

Signs You Might Be Showing Toxic Behaviour in a Relationship

Some of the red flags that may indicate toxic behaviour in a relationship are listed below.

Not everyone is perfect, everywhere, all the time. Healthy relationships don’t come from perfect people—perfect people don’t make a healthy relationship.

Here are some of the signs that may indicate you are in a toxic relationship.

You Always Need to Be Right

Disagreements are normal. It’s not a thing to be done to win all of them.

When every conversation ends up like a debate to which you must come out on top, your partner might stop talking. Being heard is as significant as being right.

Sometimes, it’s more important to keep the relationship safe than to keep the ego safe.

You Struggle to Take Responsibility

Difficulty Taking Responsibility

There is no justification for any form of hurtful actions. Everybody does experience stress at some point, but it doesn’t mean that you can treat anyone however you feel like. You may have the fear of repetitive patterns occurring or even have disagreements often; it still doesn’t justify vulgar behavior.
It could be helpful to consider when you have a lot of trouble taking responsibility, whatever the reasons might be. An apology that doesn’t make you take responsibility is another warning, like someone saying, “I’m sorry you were upset when I got a hot temper.

 A warning may be an apology offering to say sorry for making someone feel hurt without coming to grips with why, like saying, “I am sorry you were upset; I had a hot temper..

You Use Silence as a Weapon

After an argument, there must be room for everybody. That’s healthy.

What happens when silence becomes punishment rather than the opportunity to cool off?

Blanketing, not talking for days, or withdrawing affection to induce guilt, distances and does not resolve issues. Over time, this will become one of the most harmful unhealthy patterns in relationships.

You Try to Control Instead of Trust

It’s perfectly natural to want reassurance.

Stalking your partner, checking their phone, and even asking them who they’re seeing every minute would be a completely different matter.

Control is based on fear, not confidence. Unfortunately, it drives people away rather than towards.

You Expect Your Partner to Read Your Mind

Have you ever been angry that your partner ‘should have known’ what made you feel hurt? This is the trap that a lot of people fall into. The goal is having clear and honest communication, which is essential to healthy relationships.

By communicating needs directly, both you and the attachment target have a greater understanding; they can more readily solve the problem or help you understand, and can build a deeper relationship with mutual understanding and trust.

Where Toxic Behaviour Often Comes From

 

Toxic habits can form as a result of insecurity. You’re worried about losing a loved one, so you are controlling. Sometimes they are derived from painful experiences. Having been duped in the past, it is difficult to trust anyone else.

Sometimes low self-esteem is a factor. If you lack self-worth, you may need reassurance at all times, or fall into the trap of saying or doing the opposite of what you hear.

The events of childhood can have a lasting impact. Often, our first lessons in communication, conflict and love come from the relationships we witness when we are young. The key takeaway is that your past can help you understand your behaviour, but it does not define it.

How to Break Toxic Patterns

As you can see, there are various points you must acknowledge to break up bad relationship patterns. Time does change situations. You can experience real change, become self-aware, and even find the ability to stretch outside your comfort zone. You don’t necessarily have to be perfect but just better.

Below are a few options for beginning to shift damaging patterns:

•         Try not to take anything personally; don’t have lingering questions at the back of your mind anytime an argument doesn’t go your way. Simply put, you are not always right; try to solve the problem instead of making it a bigger issue.
•         Consider professional support; If you are getting health behaviors that you are repeating even if you are trying your best, a therapist or relationship counselor can help you figure out why you have these health behaviors and how to communicate and connect differently in the future.
•         Don’t be afraid to ask for assistance; it is an indicator that you are determined to make all relationships, as well as the relationship with your partner, healthier and more fulfilling.

With each positive move that you make, you become that much closer to changing your previous patterns and that much farther on the way to making changes that really matter.

Growth Starts with One Honest Conversation

Self-awareness of toxic behaviour is challenging. It isn’t anyone’s favourite part of their life to admit to issues in their relationships. However, it is in that pain and discomfort that real growth starts.

It’s not the people who never make mistakes who make the strongest relationships. They are created by people who are ready to take a hard look at themselves, accept responsibility and continue to develop as a team.

But if you thought you had some of the above attributes, do not despair. See it as an opportunity. Every healthy discussion, every heartfelt apology, every good decision is a sign of what people can do.

You are already on the right track to establish better, happier and more fulfilling relationships because you are first considering your own actions.