Ever had a moment when you caught yourself looking in the mirror and barely recognizing the person you are seeing? Well, this does happen to many people, especially those in serious relationships.

When in a relationship, chances of losing yourself to it are high. Many end up grappling with the question “how do I find myself again through all this?”

How do you know even tell you are losing yourself to a relationship in the first place? Well, when you say yes when you mean no, hobbies amount to second place, friendships and connections become no longer important to you then know you’ve lost yourself.

The bright side is that rediscovery of self doesn’t mean you need to walk away from the relationship—in fact, it begins with reconnecting to the self you’ve always known, which is waiting for you.

Why It’s So Common to Lose Yourself

When two people meet, fall in love and start a long-term relationship, certain things begin to change. They begin to share their social circles, their interests gradually become the same some even start developing the same habits.

With these changes, some people lose themselves in the process.

They adjust to suit the peace within the relationship. Most free time is spent primarily with the partner; personal objectives are set aside, and soon one begins to derive their sense of “identity” from the relationship.

This is a common occurrence that causes emptiness or resentment. The good news is that it’s possible to turn things around and learn how to be more independent in the relationship while staying connected to someone you love.

Others don’t realise how far they’ve fallen until the relationship starts to end or goes sour. This is typically when they begin to ask more profound questions about themselves without the other person. It raises the question: how can I be independent in a relationship without losing myself in the process?

Start with Small Daily Choices

It doesn’t take a huge life change to reclaim your identity and independence in a relationship. It typically starts with small, frequent choices.

Indulge in things that you can do by yourself, like reading, walking, creating something, or sitting quietly and thinking about life. These experiences can remind you that there’s a life outside the relationship.

Setting aside personal time each day can have a positive impact on many people. It offers a chance to reconnect with preferences and interests which have been overlooked. Over time, all of these little things done to claim your independence and regain your confidence help ease the way.

In this instance, it is consistency, not intensity, that is more important. Giving your life back to you after alluding to yourself in a relationship comes slowly, taking the process one step at a time.

Reconnect With Old Interests and Try New Ones

Remind yourself of what you used to enjoy before getting into the relationship. Was it something creative, a sport, music or something new? It is also important to try new things completely, as this can also bring about a new identity.

The aim is not to be busied for busyness’ sake. It’s about discovering what truly sparks your joy. If you take time to grow yourself and to enjoy yourself, you’re bound to be more interesting to yourself and to other people.

For some, it is old passions they’ve forgotten about that they are rediscovering years later; for others, it is something they never even imagined falling for. Both roads lead to reconnecting with a richer sense of self.

Strengthen Friendships and Outside Connections

You have a wider world than one person when friends/family or community groups are contributing and surrounding you. Other relationships offer perspectives and comfort that your partner cannot provide on their own.

When friendships have gone stale, it might be difficult to make the first move, but most are willing to make contact with you once more. It’s best to rebuild or flood back into a relationship to restore balance and reduce the likelihood that you will be alone in that one romantic relationship with your partner.

Relationships are also not exclusively a source of validation or socialization, as these can be achieved through daily contact with others, and such contact can overload a partner.

Communicating Effectively

Communication can help you establish independence in a relationship, but how? If both parties can learn to communicate their needs, preferences, and limits, they can each remain individuals while still being a team. Yes, it is simple, but many people face a big hurdle in doing this after years of emphasizing a state of harmony rather than honesty.

It’s not selfish to establish limits on personal time, social arrangements, or decisions – it’s necessary for long-term health. Many couples find that this helps them feel closer when each member comes through as a whole person. This is what real independence in a relationship is all about.

The following are helpful tips on how to begin:

•         Taking time off regularly without feeling a sense of guilt
•         Being Unambiguous, rather than deferring, sharing preferences
•         Discussing plans & decisions as a team rather than assuming
•         Addressing emotional needs when they are low rather than high

The Benefits of a Stronger Individual Identity

When you figure out “how to find myself again: and can reconstruct an identity apart from the relationship, several positive changes may occur:

•         In conflict situations, you are not as reactive because your sense of worth is not totally dependent on the other person.
•         You can express yourself better and more openly.
•         Partners respect your individuality (or get attracted to it)
•         You demonstrate an independent but healthy approach to life for others.

Knowing how to be independent in a relationship doesn’t prevent you from being connected—it can actually help you to be more connected! Two whole people making their choice is a more solid, stable and satisfying experience than two people needing each other to be whole.

Many people find that once both parties feel comfortable in their own skin, the relationship becomes easier, more fun, and more enjoyable.

Taking the First Steps Today

Developing identity is a process of time. Take one small step this week – take time for yourself, call an old friend, take up an old hobby. See how it feels. After that, build on that.

It’s not about being totally uninvolved with a partner but about being a more complete person and having a healthier relationship. It is often found that many start to see things improve in their relationships and in themselves as soon as they stop losing themselves and begin to find their individuality.

Those who have been feeling out of place in a relationship should know that it’s never too late to find out who they are. Learning how to find yourself again can be the greatest gift you give yourself and any (or current) future spouse. Any steps, even a couple, toward independence can help regain a sense of self that might have been lost.