Being in a new relationship may be fun and full of opportunities. And all is fine until the time of the first confrontation comes. There are instances when things can change very quickly due to a decision, a meeting, or even a misunderstanding that results in an argument.

For those of you who have experienced an argument between lovers, I am sure you would agree that this is not a very enjoyable experience. However, this does not necessarily imply that everything is bad. The point is what happens between people in a conflict situation.

Presenting your argument at the outset is one way to build strong communication skills. It does not necessarily imply that you won’t have to get into any confrontation, but rather that you would be able to bring up issues without damaging the relationship.

 

Should Couples Be Having Arguments?

 

Once the first serious fight has happened between two people, one wonders: “Is it normal to disagree in a relationship?”

Of course, it is. Even though the two may love one another dearly, they may still have different opinions and different ways of communication. It’s even normal for the two to quarrel at first, because they’ll be learning more about each other.

Unfortunately, the thing about arguments is that they always end up becoming bigger arguments, with shouting, bullying, threats and manipulation – and sometimes even violence.

But quarrels during the initial relationship-building phase can be very helpful to both individuals.

 

Do Not Let the Dispute Become a Competition

 

The two people should not have any issues as regards who has won the debate. It is not wrong for one of the two individuals to feel as though he has won the argument, regardless of the other individual’s feelings of embarrassment, being insulted, or losing. Rather than trying to win an argument against the other individual, you need to state your reasons for being hurt by him.

For instance, you will not say:

“You never listen to me.”

Say:

“Why do I feel like I’m being ignored when you are constantly looking at your cell phone?”

 

Taking a Break when Emotions Start to Overwhelm

 

Two people will start shouting, defending themselves and interrupting one another when they become so emotionally involved that they lose their ability to communicate effectively.

The process of having an emotional breakdown can be averted through the act of taking some time off periodically to avoid things from getting out of hand.

It is important to understand that, in this case, the most crucial step is to inform your partner of your reasons for taking time off.

How you can do this is:

 “Now I am too angry to discuss this problem. Let’s cool down first and talk later.”

 

Keep Your Mind On The Current Issue

 

Another error individuals can make when discussing their disagreements is referring to past problems.

Therefore, when you discuss your weekend plans, there is no use in referring to something that happened six months ago.

When you intend to discover the root of the error and its correction, it is quite necessary to mention the current situation.

If you keep talking about the past during your discussion of your disagreements, it means that the matter was not resolved before.

 

Don’t Make It Personal

 

It’s a very big difference indeed when one goes from critiquing a person’s actions to attacking their character.

By calling your significant other names like “lazy”, “selfish”, and “impossible,” you will likely end up fueling more resentment than solving anything.

Focus on the specific behavior.

Rather than:

“You are a very selfish person.”

Say this instead:

 “I was upset when you made plans without consulting me about my plans.”

Using this approach helps your partner understand your issue without feeling personally attacked.

 

Listen Instead of Preparing Your Defense

 

When you’re fighting with your lover, it is quite natural to start preparing your answer during their speech. But communication needs that you listen to understand rather than listen just for self-defense.

Let your partner speak and understand why they are angry about something. If there is anything that you did not get, ask them a question.

Communication is constructed not only by talking but by listening.

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Managing Conflicts in Relationships

 

The process of Relationship conflict management must progress beyond the blame stage to become solution-oriented.

Having listened to both parties to the dispute, you may ask yourself these questions:

•       How will things be done differently next time?
•        What do we need from each other?
•         Did we misunderstand each other?
•         What compromise will be acceptable to both parties?
•         Should boundaries be established?

There is no need for you to agree on everything. What you need is understanding.

 

Know When an Argument Has Crossed the line

 

If there is an argument whereby the partners either threaten each other or use physical force, embarrassment, intimidation or manipulation against one another, then that is not healthy for a working couple.

Fear in an argument indicates that there is something else beyond the conflict.

There should be mutual respect despite both individuals being angry.

Too Far

Intimidation, threats, physical abuse, shaming, and manipulation by a person’s partner are never okay, even for couples who are in good health.

If you feel scared while arguing, there must be more to it than just a normal communication problem. Your safety should always come first.

Even if both are angry, respect is still important.

 

Use Disputes to Understand One Another

 

The arguments that take place early on will say volumes about the connection between you two.

Reactions of your partner when scolded, whether they are capable of saying sorry, making compromises and respecting your boundaries will be evident to you.

However, yes, you will discover something about yourself. Some people always find themselves in a defensive position. They are not able to leave anything undone.

None of that means that something is not right; it just means it could be better.

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Healthy Arguments Make Good Relationships

 

A good fight isn’t an easy one. An ideal fight is hard, but you do not intend to make someone feel bad during the fight.

The perfect relationship is one built on all those little things we do every day, including how we act in conflict. Listening, responsibility, boundaries, and compromise make conflict a means of development.

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You don’t have to be a couple that never fights. You have to be a couple that knows how to argue respectfully and comes back to the conversation with open ears.